From the naked mind of: GEORGE CARLIN
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Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
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Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?
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If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
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If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him…is he still wrong?
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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
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Is there another word for synonym? 12. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?“
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Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
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If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
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If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
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Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
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Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
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If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
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Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
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How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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What was the best thing before sliced bread?
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One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
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Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
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Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
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How is it possible to have a civil war?
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
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If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
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If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?
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Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “asteroids”?
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Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
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If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
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Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?